Archive for April, 2008

The showgirl must go on…

Who. What. When. Where. Why. Whimsical Wanton Wisecracking.

Thursday, May 1st, corporate comedy gig, (with fellow comedian, Dr. Russ Kennedy). Fundraiser, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, 1660 Cypress St., Vancouver, 9:00 p.m.

Tuesday, May 6th, Capone’s Comedy Night, 1141 Hamilton St., Vancouver, 8:00 p.m.

Saturday, May 10th, corporate comedy gig, Lynn Valley PPP, Annual Dinner & Dance, North Vancouver, 8:00 p.m.

Tuesday, May 13th, Kino Cafe, 3456 Cambie St., Vancouver, 9:00 p.m.

Tuesday, May 20th, Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave., Upper East Side, New York, 6:00 p.m.

Saturday, May 24th, corporate comedy gig, Canadian Pharmacy Technicians Association – Annual Conference, Delta Vancouver Hotel, 8:30 p.m.

Fumbling towards mediocrity

The scene: A CD release/cocktail party…minimalist music studio/house near Commercial Drive. An intimate gathering of 20 or so artists, musicians, writers…including two of my dear friends.  But, wait – Hello?! Is that Sarah McLachlan noshing on a cracker? HOLY, it IS! Now, I’ve never been one for idolatry (okay, I might morph giggly, googly, idiot savantish should I ever meet Steve Nash. But, that’s it. Okay, him and Mother Teresa. She’s dead – so, really it’s just down to Steve, now). Other than that – not a one. But if…IF I had to choose a musician who had imprinted their lifesong on my psyche - my heart and mind in their most malleable of years, it would be Sarah. And, HERE SHE IS. Two feet away from ME! SHE’S wearing a funky, artsy scarf. I’M wearing a funky, artsy scarf. HER hair is wild and natural. MY hair is wild and natural. SHE’S drinking cider. I’M drinking cider. SHE’S wearing shoes. I’M wearing shoes!

My GOD, we are soulmates. 

The band, ‘Uncommon Gold’,  starts to play its title track, ‘Slow Burn’ a haunting Wilco/Radiohead-inspired delicacy. I grab a seat on the floor. Sarah sits alongside me. We listen. We sway. The alcoholic peach nectar marinates my tongue. My throat. My belly. My bones…the mood unleashing a delicious firestorm of ‘zing’. I’m sharing a beloved artform in an intimate setting – with a woman whom I wholly admire.

Later, by the hors d’oevres table - Sarah and I lock eyes. We smile playfully. She pinches my cheek. I mock twist her arm. She tugs at my hair. I pull at her ear. She slaps my back. I slam her into the wall. We fall into one another’s arms in a fit of Best Friend Forever laughter. We devise a secret handshake: Left forefinger curls in, and…what am I doing?! It’s SECRET! We pledge our insular connection by each carrying a red skittle whenever we’re on stage. We get matching ‘Winona Forever’ tattoos on our ankles. She gets one first. I back out…’cause….well…tattoos are silly. No matter!  We’re BFF! We fall into one another’s arms in yet another fit of laughter.

If only. Because, you see, while I know every word to every song that Sarah has ever written and so beautifully played on piano or guitar – each nuance, each turn of note - the story of her life, her writer’s block, her other creative challenges…

She knows nothing of me.

Do I leap perilously over the Fair Trade cheese platter to describe the sensual tidal wave that washes upon my skin every time I hear ’Ice Cream’? That I listened to ‘Fumbling towards Ecstacy’ 237 times while travelling through Croatia? That tears consistently well up each time I hear ’Song for a Winter’s Night?’

I make a plan. Unfortunately, it ends up something like this…

I say:

“Mmm. Good dip garlic is it.”

No.

I don’t even mumble that.

Instead,

I say…

nothing. NOTHING.

All night long.

 ~

Colleen nails it again. 

The breadth of ’lost moments’ in this life continue to amaze me.

~

Why comics shouldn’t write reference letters

Myrna, Myrna, Myrna…..
 

As a faithful viewer of all things diabolically educational, I would like to take this opportunity to recommend a fellow comedian for the position of commentator on your upcoming program on the human body.
 
What the @$#! are you waiting for? Sign this man up NOW! Waste not a second more, lest he be snapped up by the National Film Board, the CBC, or any other over-funded, zealous-inclined, Communist-backed, longwinded propaganda machine (for details view ’Royal Canadian Air Farce’). 
 
Did I say MACHINE? Oh, don’t get me started. Have you seen this yoga Adonis do the ‘Warrior’ pose? The ‘Downward Indoor Cat’? He is awe-inducing. Anything to do with explaining the human body? Yes, he does this too! “Colleen, you RULE at thumb wrestling. Coll, is that a cold sore? Brow, check out that chick’s ass.” Such is the brilliance of his anatomical astuteness.
 
My comedy colleague has noted that the show may be shot in Toronto. Seeing as the typically smug Torontonian is a non-supporter of Amnesty International (trust us, we know), this might pose a problem for him from a philosophical and moral standpoint.
 
Ho ho ho….just joking. He doesn’t care!
 
Myrna, my dear – there are legions of drooling fans in Vancouver who will re-enact Robespierre at the Guillotine should this man NOT be hired. Of course, this begs the question: Does a severed head retain any consciousness? The answer Myrna, is NO. Which is why – if you do not sign this comic immediately, these heads will instead, be watching American Idol.
 
Air Hugs.

Brow
 
 
~

Holy Gumption

My son, Spencer, is approaching his Confirmation – a Catholic milestone that’s:

A sanctifying grace which makes the recipient a ‘perfect Christian’ by way of a special sacrament consisting in the seven gifts of the Holy Ghost and notably in the strength and courage to confess boldly the name of Christ…

That’s what Google says, anyways.

All he cares about is this: He gets to choose an official middle name (in honour of a Saint). How lofty is that for a ten-year old?

(Note to son: Don’t do what your mother did when she was little. ’Lady Marmalade’ on a resume…just doesn’t fly).

Right now, he’s Spencer James Brow.

His choice of additional middle name?

Bond.

So, his fellow dudes will call him Spencer ‘James Bond’ Brow.

He’s announcing it to the religion class this week.

“In honour of which Saint, Spencer?”

“You know…the Patron Saint of daredevil pursuits, gunplay, dry martinis…

the Saint who always gets the girl.”

No Jokes. Just Questions.

…Why do co-workers insist on munching their way through ziplock bags of carrots, celery and fresh fruit, when there’s a perfectly good vending machine down the hall?

…Why do some people spend all their time shopping for bargains – when – what they gain in dollars, they lose in real life?

…Why did a Vancouver bank decide to charge people for NOT accessing their accounts? (My local branch closed down. I guess not enough people didn’t come in).

…Why, when people decide to fling themselves off a bridge, do they consistently do it during rush hour? 

…Why is it I can listen to a comedy CD repeatedly (REPEATEDLY), yet, still laugh out loud like I’m hearing it for the first time?

…Why is the craft of comedy so cavernous and creatively rocky that one moment you’re asking yourself: “What the #$@* HELL am I doing?!” And, you begin mapping out a plan to throw yourself off the Lions Gate Bridge (during rush hour) or, you find yourself longing for a cold bathroom floor upon which you can curl into the fetal position while clutching a jar of Nutella…

And, the next moment you’re thinking: “Wow, I could really go places with this…”

~

Orwell? Isn’t he that guy from the infomercial?

Ever since Dante’s Paolo and Francesca fell in love over tales of Lancelot, literary taste has been a good shortcut for gauging compatibility. As my friend Leslie likes to surmise: “I bonded with my husband over a copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. But, then again, we were young and loved to screw.” Okay, so Rand was an accomplice to some serious foreplay. Sex, aside. The fact that my friend and her future spouse shared a love of literature, lit the fire that still burns today (pretty much argument-free). As she puts it: “Finding out whether or not a potential life-partner reads – as well as what he reads, is crucial in determining whether the romance has legs.”

I, too, fell deeply in love with a boy over the writings of Nietzsche and Kierkegaard – one of the singularly intimate romances I’ve ever allowed myself to experience. Luckily, philosphical co-readings quickly exploded into a multi-storey tome of other beautiful connections (’cause really…how long can a couple exist solely on philosophy anyways)?

Him: “Blech…this milk is off.”

Me: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Me: “Wanna catch a movie?”

Him: “A paradox is really the pathos of intellectual life and just as only great souls are exposed to passions, it is only the great thinker who is exposed to what I call paradoxes, which are nothing else than grandiose thoughts in embryo.”

Me: “Will you QUIT it!”

Him: “Don’t you get all Jean Paul Sartre on ME!”

Would I have been so spellbound had he, for example, professed a fondness for Super Hero comics or Calvin and Hobbes? (Well, OF COURSE). Okay. But, what if he’d never heard of…say…Camus…or…Steinbeck? Would it have been a deal-breaker?

I like to think not.

The relationship ended for another reason. But, it does remind me of a time, many years ago, when I was packing to move into a new apartment. Due to a serious lack of planning, I was able to take just one box to my place that night.  What made the cut? My books. I was told a few years later, that THAT was the defining moment. When the man, who would later become my husband, knew he wanted to marry me. 

A love of reading is often a reflection of education. And, that’s important…in a literal sense, I guess. But, there are numerous ‘educated’ souls whose Christian names leave behind a trail of letter detritus – CFP, CGA, CDAC, PHDFJELLYRPPFC. Yet, the last thing they absorbed was a 1976 waiting room-weary Reader’s Digest (‘Drama in Real Life’…apparently, everyone is saved…AGAIN!).

No, a passion for books speaks of something deeper. An intellectual curiousity. A desire to step outside our insular lives. An appreciation of ideas – likely morphing into future shared snorts and snickers at the sublime, the ridiculous, the ironic…or, a mutual “MY GOD, that rearranged my senses” shared, post-novel, literary cigarette. Or, best of all - debating – when it’s okay to disagree – to tell the person they’re WAY OFF. In fact, they’re so far off – they’re a bonehead. “You dufus,  that story was pathetically portrayed. Come ON, it took the author four frickin’ paragraphs to describe the sky!!”

Books matter.

They shape our lives…

…molding themselves into crevices, over curves, and SMACK into the hearts of like-minded lovers and friends.

Legs.

Indeed.

~

“No, really, I had trouble breathing…”

I’ve got a ballerina’s body.

Petite…

(as in breasts).

Maybe I’ll get implants.

If anyone asks why,

I’ll just use the old stand-by excuse:

“I had a deviated septum.”

~

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