Mostly true stuff…

So….Miss DeBeauvoir, how can I help you?

Oh, uh…that’s just a psuedonym. You see, nobody knows I’m here.

And…you’re having a problem with….?

Um…well, writing jokes, talking about comedy, watching comedy, laughing at comedy…uh, yeah, stuff like that. It’s sort of obsessive.

How did this all begin?

“Well, uh…I was young. And, I started staying up late..just innocent teenage stuff…you know…sneaking downstairs…watching Johnny on TV. But, like…I KNEW I could stop. Sure, I said - easy. But, then, um…it became – sort of – every night. And, soon it was out of control. First it was albums, then bootlegged CD’s: Woody, Steve Martin, Wendy Liebman, Steven Wright, Regan, Hicks, Hedberg, Paul F. Tompkins, Carrot Top, Demetri, Gaffigan, Todd Barry…OH GOD…it’s all there.”

Carrot Top?

“I know.”

“That’s when I hit rock bottom.”

I see.

“But, I love gettin’ a fix, ya know? L-O-V-E…like it’s floodin’ my cortex. I wanna soak in it. People should WANT to talk about comedy, think about comedy, watch comedy all the time. Believe it or not…most DON’T. So, it’s affecting my life. My work. My relationships.”

In what way?

“Well…I keep blurting out comedy bits…over and over. Couple of years ago it was Hedberg’s ‘Dufrane-Party of Four’…then, Wright’s ’star-gazing from the Planetarium roof’. Sigh. Last month, it was Tompkins’ ‘Elegant Balloons’…Man, THAT was a bender. Um, let’s see..a lot is a blur…oh, then it was onto Regan’s Emergency Ward bit. This week? Nick Swardson: Stabbed vs being shot. Hey! I’ll act it out…goes like this..”

Stop. Miss DeBeauvoir, CALM DOWN. 

Sorry…(sob).

Please get off my desk.

“Oh GOD. I need help.”

Tissue?

(Choke. Sob). “Thank you. Then there’s my OWN material. I constantly troll for new stuff. Obsessively thinking, writing, scribbling. My room’s littered with discarded set lists. I try out jokes during business meetings, hospital visits, funerals. The people…it’s like they laugh. But, they don’t REALLY laugh, ya know?. They don’t GET IT. I’ve even thrown in some Louis C.K…oh, and Ron White’s ‘It’s not THAT the wind is blowin…’, but, it’s like: ‘Oh, Colleen - ha ha, that’s funny, but, we’re saying prayers for the deceased here’…blah, blah, blah..WHATEVER.”

Have you tried a Comedy Intervention?

“Oh sure…Scottsdale, Arizona, 2006. Billy Baldwin staged it. He’s really been there for me. But, I need something stronger. I’m begging you…(sob)”

“Please…PLEASE make the laughter go away!”

Take this. 

“Huh?”

It’s a DVD.

“Gallagher – The Smashing Watermelon Collection?”

Trust me.

 

 

Who needs another boring old company Christmas party, when they can catch a comedy show? I say ‘Bleh’…to good cheer, eggnog, office parties, phony conversation, gift exchanges, fruitcake, booze-fueled one-night stands with the ruddy-faced guy in Marketing…(yawn). Far more appealing: Jokes about dead people, put-downs, black humour, offensive immaturity, angst, irony, irreverence, Kid Rock.

Upcoming shows:

Nov. 27th – Yuk Yuk’s, 1015 Burrard, ph. 604-696-9857.

Dec. 1st, Corporate show, Vancouver, CGI-Credit Guard Inc. (Money humour).

Dec. 9th – Checker’s pub, 1755 Davie, ph. 604-682-1831.

Dec. 10th – The Majestic, 1138 Davie, ph. 604-669-2013. 

Dec. 15th – Corporate show, Vancouver, Predator Helmets Canada (Kayak humour).

T’is the season to be funny.

A friend of mine is both a Doctor AND a Comedian. I mean…Hell, it’s a tough business, and the cost of living is high, so it’s always good to have something to fall back on…should this doctor thing not work out.

Anyhow, Dr. Russ Kennedy recently spent a few weeks in L.A. peeling back fried epidermal layers…marvelling at the gentle azure hues of a dangling noose victim….and creating plasma-inspired Jackson Pollock knock-offs.

Sounds like ‘Jack Ass’ (but, for smart people). But, it’s actually a stint he did for an A & E History Channel show called ‘Dying to Know’.

The program examines death throughout the ages: Burning at the stake, getting beheaded, being flung from castle towers…the usual. Morbid moments are re-enacted, then interspersed with expert comments. Russ, with his comprehensive medical knowledge, explains how each person died…and, how they would have felt. 

Interviewer: “Joan of Arc being burned at the stake?”

Dr. Russ: “Ouch.”

“Anne Boleyn at the guillotine?

Dr. Russ: “Ouch.”

“A guard being thrown from the Tower of London?”

Dr. Russ….”Ooooouuuuccccchhhhhh.”

Okay, it might be more technical. Russ actually explains what happens to the body (singe, thud, splat). He beat out hundreds of other Docs for the role. Yow. Za. When the show airs in the spring, hoards of people will be lining up for his autograph (okay, so they’ll be addicts needing that coveted signature for their Vicodin refill…but, whatever).

He’s wrapped the TV show, and now has a book in the works, ‘A Re-fill on your Perception’ which explores the body/mind connection…attracting positive vibes, purging negative ones. When he’s not touring as a corporate speaker, he’s writing, doing comedy, filming TV shows, breathing yoga-like, and treating unsightly rashes (other people’s).

Catch his TV interview Sunday, November 18th, 4:00 p.m. on Shaw TV’s, ‘The Fanny Keefer Show’.

Get his autograph now.

Or, a refill.

 

 

Real life comments made by people visiting my new house:

As soon as this kitchen’s replaced, your home will be perfect.

Hey, your new house smells like your old house.

My leg!

Your mom said it was dumpy. But, it’s real nice.

Yeah, I thought Rita MacNeil was dead too.

You know…I think blue toilets are making a comeback.

Whoa. Windows.

Great outside.

Love the outside.

Nice outside.

Got beer?

 

 

 

I like

running in slow motion.

It makes everything seem more dramatic.

 

Tonight, while secretly rifling through my children’s Halloween candy in an effort to pocket the best pieces for myself, a warmth enveloped me. Stepping back from the oven, I mashed out my Benson & Hedges on the kitchen counter, put down my gin and tonic (joking – I didn’t put it down) and began to wax poetically (not in a Sylvia Plath kind of way).

As I choked down fistfuls of generically-fashioned mini Snickers and Aeros - I thought of the days when candy was exciting, engaging and – yes – even thought-provoking. (Rumour has it Nadine Gordimer plowed through 138 boxes of ‘Good & Plenty’ during the creation of ’The Essential Gesture’).

Don’t even get me started on Robertson Davies.

Therefore, to celebrate the best in candy memories….I give you my top ten, old-time purveyors of Red Dye #12, carageen, and Agent Orange:

#10  Sweet Tarts – Pour into bowl. Invite local kids over. Play ‘1970’s Lonely, Valium-Fueled, Suburban Housewife’ game. A neighbourhood favourite! 

#9  Dubble Bubble – The little individual packs, with the cartoon inside (upon which I base my entire comedy act).

#8  Charleston Chew - Sure, it tasted like a belt, but you got lots of it.

#7  Cheese Puffs – Once cheesies are consumed, lay bag flat, slice open to expose inside. Lick clean.

#6  Hockey cards – For the powder-encrusted gum slab.

#5  Wax Lips – Duh.

#4  Crunchy bar – Munch ‘corn-on-the-cob’ style until chocolate layer is removed. Allow crunchy inner core to dissolve on tongue.

#3  Pixie Sticks – Long, paper tubes filled with granules of Kapow! Once devoured, snip off both ends to shoot spitballs at cute boy in Grade 6. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an airborne gob of saliva-soaked, loose-leaf.

#2 Tootsie Pop – Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bite. Resist. Resist. Your reward will come in due time.

#1  Popeye Cigarettes (unfiltered) – My first cigarette was a beautiful, life-altering moment forever scorched within me. One puff and I was hooked. Still am. Warning on package: ‘Highly addictive. Once lit, impossible to extinguish.’ (Note: Adults only).

 

Sweet.